I scare the crap out of myself.

I am starting to realize the potential I have when I'm pressured, sad, angry, etc. I think I could really do some serious danger. But one day, I know I'll explode, & I might do something drastic. Today was, ironically, a good example. I guess when you're angry you say things you don't mean, but I'm sure somewhere, I meant what I said when I screamed "If you're going to hit me, then kill me! Don't hit me & let me get away with it, make me bleed, kill me!" That was a close one. The rage was just building up, & I just wanted to explode...The thoughts in my head weren't good ones, they were pretty much of me hurting myself, so tell me why it soothed me & calmed me down? Also, remind me why I still have a self esteem. I'm pretty worhless, thank my mom for making me feel like a piece of shit/disappointment every day. Maybe I'm exaggerating, since I'm mad and all right now, but I know that these thoughts & this feeling is going to be buried inside me all week, & It'll be in the back of my head constantly reminding me that I really don't deserve what I have, I don't deserve anything really... God.....



I am so fucked up it's not even funny.