Have I even changed in the past two years?

I like to think I did. My way of thinking has sure changed. I feel that I've become a more modest person, and my interests have changed. My way of thinking, the things I want out of life. I've become more humble. More 'feminine'.. hahaha. I've taken myself a lot less seriously that's for sure. I've stopped worrying so much... FOR NOW. Overall, I'm just trying to enjoy whatever's around me, and if these things aren't enjoyable, then I'm trying to make them so. Life's gewwwd.

Wow it's September?

I have not written in a LOOONNNGGG ASSSS TIME. Sorry I guess.

There's not much to say though.

Compared to my ollllder posts, I'm not that depressed anymore, hah. Well, it comes around every now and then, but overall, I'm usually in a pretty good mood.
I guess sophomore year's okay, actually, I don't really care. I guess that's a good thing. To just be unattached with most things in high school. Well, at least that way you don't get sucked into any of the hype, right? But hey I'm still enjoying it.

Am I making any sense even?

What do you think the worst thing is about being a guy?

What do you think the worst thing is about being a guy?

Answer here

if you could be anyone you've ever wanted to be, dead or alive, who? and why?

if you could be anyone you've ever wanted to be, dead or alive, who? and why?

Answer here

what is one thing you like about yourself, what is one thing you don't like?

what is one thing you like about yourself, what is one thing you don't like?

Answer here

I scare the crap out of myself.

I am starting to realize the potential I have when I'm pressured, sad, angry, etc. I think I could really do some serious danger. But one day, I know I'll explode, & I might do something drastic. Today was, ironically, a good example. I guess when you're angry you say things you don't mean, but I'm sure somewhere, I meant what I said when I screamed "If you're going to hit me, then kill me! Don't hit me & let me get away with it, make me bleed, kill me!" That was a close one. The rage was just building up, & I just wanted to explode...The thoughts in my head weren't good ones, they were pretty much of me hurting myself, so tell me why it soothed me & calmed me down? Also, remind me why I still have a self esteem. I'm pretty worhless, thank my mom for making me feel like a piece of shit/disappointment every day. Maybe I'm exaggerating, since I'm mad and all right now, but I know that these thoughts & this feeling is going to be buried inside me all week, & It'll be in the back of my head constantly reminding me that I really don't deserve what I have, I don't deserve anything really... God.....



I am so fucked up it's not even funny.

I think about this so much.

& I know it isn't healthy, or right or whatever,
But I always think about my death. Like, how it will happen, & mostly, how it will affect everyone else. This always makes me suppperrrr sad, because I feel like no one would care. Which makes me want to die, even more...



=T

Ughhh.

& The sad thing is, I haven't prayed in daaaayyyss because I'm too ashamed to. I don't deserve God's grace, I don't deserve his forgiveness if I'm going to take advantage of it over & over again. I don't know what to do.... I know God is always going to forgive me & have unconditional love for me, but I'd rather just quit altogether than disappointing Him, hurting my Holy Spirit, & neglecting him when He comes knocking on my heart =T I've disappointed everyone in my life, including me, continuously. I want to change, but I'm not sure how. I want to be happy & smiileeeyyy, yet still maintain my keen sense toward life. AHHHH,



this is killing me!!!