that was then.

i want to blog, but i don't know exactly what to blog about. maybe about how i feel? but then again i'm not quite sure how i feel. i guess lately, i've been looking down on myself a lot...again. i thought i was over this, over the whole insecurity thing, but blah, it comes back to haunt me time & time again. i can't stand the way i look, the shape of my body, my stomach, my legs, the dark circles under my eyes, the skin that ISN'T flawless, weird tan lines, cheeks that are too chubby, thunder thighs, blaaah everything. maybe i'm exaggerating or complaining too much & i'm sorry for that. i really am. you're probably thinking 'oh she's so stupid, she isn't fat wtf there's nothing wrong with her why is she complaing.' it's my blog, it's my feelings, you don't feel the same way i do. i know i know i should just accept the way i am because that's how God made us & God made us perfectly. & i try to remember that all the time but i find myself disgusting. & i know that needs fixing but i can't be satisfied. i never can.

ugh. but on another note, it's been a very very long time since i last felt that i was important in someone elses' life. i feel like nothing now. like if i left, it wouldn't make much of a difference. i just want to be needed again=T & i miss this one person a lot. i felt important in their life. they would look out for me, & they still do now & then but it isn't the same. & i feel good talking to them cause i am completely myself & i feel relaxed, no worries. i don't have to put on a mask...it's aaaall good. hmm. that was then.